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Welcome to Meaningless Ramblings about nothing in particular.


Warning: This page is not intended to make much sence at all. If this page makes sence to you then please contact your doctor and let him know that you have a Serious mental problem.


[IMAGE]

The Habochinator

But daddy, I want an umpaloompa now"---"I'm sorry, we can not allow any more demons into the church this morning."---How is the Cool Aluminum siding on your Antidisistablishmentarianism---Sanity is overrated---To Hell with the devil---Your so open-minded that your brain leaked out---Cows are big and scarry---Silly Chinese---Even though my deoderant is made for a woman they say it's still strong enough for a man

The Lords Prayer

EBONICS-----ENGLISH

Big Daddy's Rap-----The Lord's Prayer

Yo, Big Daddy-----Our Father, who art in heaven

You be chillin'-----Hallowed be thy name

So be yo hood-----Thy kingdom come

You be sayin it, I be doin it-----Thy will be done

In this here hood and yos-----On Earth as it is in Heaven

Gimme some eats-----Give us this day our daily bread

And cut me some slack, Blood-----And forgive us our trespasses

Sos I be doin it to dem dat dis me-----As we forgive us who trespass against us

Don't be pushin' me into no jive-----And lead us not into tempation

And keep dem Crips away-----But deliver us from evil

Cuz you always be da man-----For Thine is the Kingdom, the Power and the glory forever and ever

Aaa-men-----Amen



50 Fun things to do when you're stuck on the a suspended blast coaster like THE VOLCANO at Kings Dominion in Virginia.

50. Kick the person next to you.

49. Scream really really loud for extended periods of time.

48. Pretend you're actually on the ride and make corresponding noises and hand motions.

47. Keep counting down to launch [3-2-1-Here we go, we're going, ok, why aren't we going???]

46. Make friends with the technicians.

45. Play rock, paper, scissors with your riding buddy.

44. Repeatedly ask the ride operators when they're going to fix this dumb thing, why its broken, and what they're going to do about it.

43. Threaten to sue the park.

42. Yell as loud as possible "TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES??? what do you MEAN technical difficulties?!?!?"

41. Demand exit passes for yourself and 99 of your closest friends.

40. Try to scalp your exit passes if you get them.

39. Start screaming that you're clausterphobic and if you don't get out of the harness soon, bad things are going to happen man, bad things!

38. Wave to the people still waiting in line.

37. Taunt the people still waiting in line with your exit passes.

36. Sing Silly Songs, preferably "Where is my hairbrush"

35. Create variations to your favorite songs, ie. Ghetto manatee, Valley girl manatee...

34. Loudly inform the rest of the passengers how much you love the person sitting next to or in front of you.

33. Have a group prayer session for God to fix the coaster. [prayer works!] :)

32. See who can belch the longest word or phrase.

31. Try to belch "Volcano" or "I'm stuck on this ride" if you're really talented!

30. Get your picture taken making really sad, pitiful faces.

29. Get your picture taken with a ride operator.

28. Slump down in your seat and begin snoring loudly.

27. Recite the entire book of James.

26. Try to start the wave.

25. Ask as many different people as possible how soon they're sending out a test car.

24. Volunteer to be a guinea pig test dummy on the test coaster.

23. Begin reciting with the voice on tape "Please remove all loose ar-ti-cles"

22. Cover your ears when the voice on tape starts speaking and yell "Those voices,....always the voices!!!"

21. Start crying for your mommy.

21. Announce to the other passengers that you are Keneniah of the Levites and will now be leading them in song.

20. Pretend to be prince or princess of Ibeowajawa and demand to be treated with respect by the ride operators.

19. Ask for a pillow.

18. Use your cell phone to order Domino's Pizza, have it delivered to the ride.

17. Use your cell phone to call other passengers.

16. Have in in depth conversation with the person next to you about your feet.

15. Have a staring contest with your riding buddy.

14. Try to steal the shoes of the person next to you, if you succeed, try to wear them.

13. Have a conversation with the person in front of you, and inform them how rude they are for not looking at you when you're speaking.

12. Rename all the other passengers.

11. Ask the technicians if they would mind going to get you a soda.

10. Drink the soda, then inform everyone that you really really have to pee.

9. Remind everyone every 30 seconds of the fact that you have to pee.

8. Make a strange face and declare "uh-oh"..."um...how much longer are we going to be here...???"

7. Ask the other passengers if they have any grey poupon.

6. Call and order chinese takeout.

5. Attempt to eat chinese takeout with chopsticks while still on the ride.

4. Sing the song that never ends, or 99 Bottles of IBC on the wall.

3. Try to get the ride to move by violently flailing your arms and legs and blowing on the seat in front of you.

2. See who can make the best sculpture out of chewing gum, then stick yourself to the seat with it and refuse to leave until you've gotten to ride.

1. Fire everyone involved [technicians, ride operators, other passengers and Scooby Doo]

If Math were a religion what would it look like? Here are a few possibliities.
Math religions:

Math Aitheism:
The belief that there is no math.

Jehova's Math: You go door to door preaching the word of math

Math Budism: Once you die you keep reanching a higher and higher state of being until you reach the highest state, Nirvana, where you are one with Math.

Hindu Math: Try to do good in this life so in the next life you can be reincarnated into Math.

Satanic Math: You worship math, which is the root of all evil.

Mormon Math: There is another kind of math, and it is recorded in The Book of Mormon Math.

Christian Math: If you comitte your life to Math then when you die you will go to Math heaven where you will live for eternity in the preasance of math.

* If Christian math were true then we would have several different denominations. Here is what they would probally look like:

Cathlic Math: You worship the virgin Math book.

Baptist Math: Take your math book and throw it into the river.

Pentacostal Math: Math in tounges.

Words of wisdom spoken by Lashawn Reco: "Coolness Is A State Of Mind"---"You Can't Reason With Crazy People Cause Crazy People Have No Logic"

A brief Discution of here and there.
Do you realize you spend your entire life trying to get there, but you never do. Think about it for a second. Imagine you are at one end of a field and you want to get to the other end of the field. You say, "I want to go over there." But by the time you get there it is no longer there, it is here; and what used to be here is now there. In other words, you can never get there.

Stuff, Crap, Morons, and idiots:
Have You Ever Noticed That Everyone's Stuff Is Crap And All Your Crap Is Stuff.---When driving on the road, everyone who drives slower than you is a moron and everyone who drives faster than you is an idiot. So all the idiots think your a moron and all the morons think your an idiot!


The rest of this home page is devoted to cool things I have been sent by other people via e-mail. I've added a couple of things to them but for the most part these are other peoples brillient creations and ideas.

Top Ten Things People Won't Say When They See the Christian Bumper Sticker or More Subtle Fish Symbol On Your Car:


10. "Look! Let's stop that car and ask those folks how we can become Christians."

9. "Don't worry, Billy, those people are Christians -- they must have a good reason for driving 90 miles an hour."

8. "What a joy to be sharing the highway with another car of Spirit-
filled brothers and sisters."

7. "Isn't it wonderful how God blessed that Christian couple with a brand-new BMW?"

6. "Dad, how come people who drive like that don't get thrown in jail?" "Dad, can we get a bumper sticker like that, too?"

5. "Stay clear of those folks, Martha. If they get raptured, that car's gonna be all over the road!"

4. "Oh, look! That Christian woman is getting a chance to share Jesus with a police officer."

3. "No, that's not garbage coming out of their windows, Bert -- it's probably gospel tracts for the road workers."

2. "Oh, boy, we're in trouble now! We just rear-ended one of God's cars."

1. "Quick, Alice, honk the horn or they won't know that we love Jesus!"


Deep Thoughts
as recorded by Ken Steen


1) After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

2) How can there be self-help groups?

3) If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

4) If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?

5) If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?

6) If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

7) Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?

8) Is there another word for synonym?

9) What's another word for thesaurus?

10) Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

11) Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?

12) When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?

13) When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

14) When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

15) Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

16) Why isn't there a mouse-flavored cat food?

17) Why do they report power outages on TV?

18) Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers parents arn't afraid to have a Chapter 11?

20) Why is there no number 19 on this list?

21) What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating a endangered plant?

22) If a parsley famers is sued, can they garnish his wages?

23) Why do they lock gas stations bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

24) If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

25) Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

26) Can a vegetarian eat animal crackers?

27) If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

28) Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

29) How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

30) Why did kamikaze polits wear helmets?

31) What was the best things before sliced bread?

32) If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

33) If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him-is he still wrong?

34) If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on the pan?

35) If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

36. What do they use to ship styrofoam?

37. If you throw a cat out a car windows does it become kitty litter?

38. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

39. If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?

40. When a cow laughs, does milk come up its nose?

41. Why do they put braille on the number pads of drive-through bank machines?

42. How did a fool and his money GET together?

43. Why is abbreviation such a long word?

44. Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?

45. How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

46. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

47. When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

48. Does fuzzy logic tickle?

49. Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?

50. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?

51. Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

52. If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

53) Is it possible to be totally partial?

54) Would a fly that loses its wings be called a "walk"?

55) If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?

56) If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

57) Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

58) Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write...A Good Doctor!

59) Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do..write to these people? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

60) If you jogged backward...would you gain weight?

61) Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

62) If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of progress?

63) If a Convenient Mart is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week, why are there locks on the doors?

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THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIES

During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

Most dogs are immortal.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

The Chief of Police is always black.

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.

Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

It is not necessary to say hello or good-bye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.

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39 fun things to do on a High School or Colledge paper you don't care about

1. Type every word in a different font. Alternate really big fonts with really small fonts.

2. Support your thesis with quotes from your VCR manual.

3. Write the entire paper on Post-it notes and turn it in by sticking them all over the professor's door.

4. Switch the names of prominent history figures with the names of your friends, classmates, etc. Claim that your roommate led the Spanish Armada.

5. Write a paper discussing why Michelangelo got to be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, but Van Gogh didn't. Discuss whether Van Gogh would have used nunchakus or katanas.

6. Write your paper by cutting out words from magazines and sticking them on the page, ransom-note style.

7. End the paper with "This paper will self-destruct in 10 seconds".

8. Perfume the paper with catnip. Explain that it was to keep your dog from eating it.

9. If assigned a paper in philosophy class, explain that you can't do the paper because you're not sure if the class really exists, or if it and the professor are just illusions created by your subconscious. If you do end up writing the paper, write about whether or not the paper actually exists.

10. If assigned a 2000-word paper, draw two pictures of what the paper was supposed to be about. After all, a picture is worth 1000 words, right?

11. Cite issues of Spiderman and Batman as resources in your bibliography.

12. The night before the paper is due, call the professor and explain that you can't turn your paper in because it contains sensitive military information and is only available on a "need to know" basis. Insist that General Schwarzkopf says you should get an 'A'.

13. Turn in a letter your wrote to your cousin. When the teacher confronts you about it, say that you must have gotten the letter and the paper mixed up. Say that you'll turn the paper in as soon as you get it back, but your cousin lives in Siberia, so it might take a while. (This is a nifty way to get an extension.)

14. When writing an especially long paper, put a recipe for chocolate cake in the middle and see if the professor notices.

15. Tell the professor that you need an extension because one of your primary sources is an old wise man in Tibet and he won't see you until the next full moon.

16. Paint a large white stripe down the front of your paper. Say that on the way to class, your dropped it in the street and it got run over by one of those trucks that paint lines on the road.

17. Write your psychology paper on possible genetic anomalies that might cause a person to prefer anchovies.

18. Hand your paper in in a sealed envelope with postmarks from several different countries on it. Say that you wanted several different perspectives on your work.

19. TTyyppee eevveerryy lleetttteerr ttwwiiccee..

20. Get a large piece of paper or canvas. Smear paint all over it and hand it in as your paper. Explain that the topic was such an emotional one for you, and that mere words couldn't possibly express what you had to say.

21. Compare and contrast the characters of James T. Kirk and Jean-Luc Picard. Claim that one is actually Hamlet, and the other is King Lear. Say that Worf is Ophelia.

22. Carve your paper on the bathroom wall.

23. Refuse to do the paper on account of the fact that you are a member of Greenpeace and strongly object to the gratuitous slaughter of trees caused by the massive amount of paper used in writing assignments.

24. Put nonsense words down as quotes. Say that you are quoting the words of a well-known Pentacostal Minister who was speaking in tongues at the time.

25. Use a forklift to bring your paper to class, even if it's only a few pages. Explain that it involved some very heavy reading.

26. Poke several holes in the paper. Say that you were mobbed by crows on the way to class.

27. Print all the pages on one sheet of paper, with the text overlapping. Say that that was all the paper you had.

28. Write about whether Plato would have said that Miller Light is "less filling" or that it "tastes great". Also explain why Aristotle would have taken the opposite view.

29. Draw pictures of your professor in the margins.

30. Make your paper one long, neverending sentence that goes on for pages and pages and pages; use alot of semi-colons, commas, and other interesting, rarely-used punctuation marks [(for example), an interesting one: the colon] but never ever end the sentence {[_-\|/??!]}.

31. Staple a picture of an academic building to the paper. Cite the picture as a resource.

32. On the day the paper is due, skip into class, waving the paper and screaming, "I have a paper! I have a paper!". Run around the class a few times, then joyfully throw it out the window. Laugh and yell, "There's my paper!", then run outside to get it.
Repeat this all through the period, or until the prof throws you out.

33. Come to class leading a horse or camel. When asked to turn in the paper, take it out of one of the saddlebags, then shoot the horse/camel/whatever away. Refuse to discuss it.

34. Draw obscure connections between totally unrelated things. For example, claim that abnormal amounts of neutrino activity in Germany caused Hitler to invade France, or that the Roman empire collapsed because of a shortage of qualified
botanists.

35. Refer to all prominant historical figures by nicknames. For example, call George Washington "Georgie". Call Ben Franklin "Sparky".

36. Pwetend you have a speech impediment and awways type w's whenevew you weawwy want to type r's ow l's.

37. Ol, switch alound arr the l's and r's in youl papel, rike Monty Python did in Queen
Erizabeth the Thild.

38. When your prof asks for an outline of your paper, draw the outline of the piece of paper you typed it on and hand it in.

39. Spill a martini on your sociology paper. Say that you wrote it in a bar so that you could see "sociology in action".

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